The Awesome Dude Funny Blog 2019

Episode #1 Wait a Minute, Oh it's Nothing

by Lee Fitzsimmons

You could say that this is a blog about nothing. I mean, it's about something, but essentially, it's not really about anything at all. Then again, it depends how you define the words nothing, anything, and all. I would like to begin by giving this blog its name in Latin, which is Bloggus Seinfeldius, taken from the famous TV show.

Now, if you have a problem calling this a blog about nothing, it would appear that you are feeling something for nothing, and as Billy Preston said, “Nothing from nothing leaves nothing.” Other ways to express the idea of "nothing" include the concepts of de nada, nope, NIEN!, No sir, and negatory good buddy.

So in the German song that says, "In heaven there is nein beer, does that mean that there is no beer in heaven, or does it mean there are nine beers located behind the pearly gates?

Starting With Nothing

The word nothing can be broken down into parts. The first part is the word no, and the second part is the word thing. If there were a thing, you could say yes-thing, but that is just silly and makes no sense, and since this is my two cents worth, let’s move on.

There is a song that goes, “Now you say it best when you say nothing at all.” Now if nothing comes out of the mouth, and there's no one around to hear it, does a tree fall in the forest? Now I'm twice as confused about nothing. So does that mean that I'm now double or nothing,,,

So Does "Double D" Stand for Double Dragon?

When words have double meanings, they can be classified with the terminology double entendre. It’s kinda like a fantasy art work that could be called “Double Dragon.” It’s the same thing, only different, and that makes an enormous amount of difference. Wait, did that make any sense; I don't know, maybe some incense or out-sense.

High Steaks

For instance, you could say that “the stakes are high,” meaning that there are a lot of people risking an enormous amount of something hoping that a certain action will be performed in some way. You could also say that “the steaks are high,” and this would mean that certain slabs of beef have taken some sort of intoxicating drug and are feeling quite mellow.

The words stakes and steaks are nothing more than homophones. So does this mean they are cellular communication devices used by gay men? But what if those phones are actually smartphones? Would that mean they are queer smartphones? ...and just what is a queersmart? Is that a place where gay individuals shop, or is it a place where you can actually purchase an individual who is gay? Now I’m really confused…

Mixed Signals

Just as confused as I was when I heard the song entitled, “Bang Bang”--not to be confused with the Disney movie Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang, the oriental dish known as bang bang chicken, or the hit song "She Bang."

Okay, the lyrics are simple enough...

Bang bang into the room (I know you want it)

Bang bang all over you (I’ll let you have it)

Wait a minute

let me take you there

Wait a minute

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So let’s take a closer look at what J and Ariana are saying…

J and Ariana: Bang bang into the room (I know you want it)

Me: Okay, I get it. Bang bang into the room; sounds good. I’m in...

J and Ariana: Bang bang all over you (I’ll let you have it)

Me: Sounds like a plan. I concur wholeheartedly with your statement, ladies. Whenever you’re ready…

J and Ariana: Wait a minute!

Me: HUH?!? What?!? (He said as the sound of screeching car brakes was heard.) Wait a minute?!? But I thought we were ready to bang bang. You know, all over the room and everything? What’s wrong? Did I say something inappropriate?

J and Ariana: Let me take you there

Me: Whew! Wow, okay… That was close. You scared me there for a second. I thought you had just changed your mind at the last second. Okay, we’re back on. Let’s bang bang.

J and Ariana: Wait a minute!

Me: NOT AGAIN! Okay ladies, now you’re just toying with my fragile emotions. On again, off again. I’m sorry, but I’m getting mixed signals from you. I’m gonna go down to Sonic and get a grape slush before happy hour is over.

Later

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Copyright 2019 by Lee Fitzsimmons